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This society’s penchant for personal branding and individuality has lead to complications. When you do not want to be identified, you will be and when you desire anonymity, you will gain notoriety.

Unlike clothes, you cannot disown a personalized business card holder with business cards in it! So what happens when your business card holder is found in these places and everybody you know teases and confronts you about it?

Sleazy Motels

Sometimes, but hopefully not often, you will stay in a roadside motel with a reputation for being a lovers’ nest, a prostitutes’ haven, and a brothel front. This is not to say that you frequent these motels but road mishaps do happen especially when you are on a hanky-panky business with your paramour! (Such an old-fashioned yet appropriate word, don’t you think?)

What do you tell your wife when the desk clerk calls to return your leather wallet with your initialed business card holder to boot?

* Your car was in an accident and the motel was the nearest accommodation available. Well, it is the truth so you get to tell just half a lie. It is good for your conscience, don’t you think?

* Your buddies surreptitiously got your wallet with the business card holder tucked inside and played a prank on you. This is a good one when your buddies will cover your ass anytime of day, no questions asked, and the desk clerk is incapable of speech and thought. Good luck on the second one.

Strip Clubs/Brothels

Uh-oh. You are in trouble. But have no fear; you can always lay the blame on others, on alcohol, on fate, on the weather and on your wife herself. Here is how:

* You can tell your wife that your buddies dragged you into the club but you just watched the show. Cross your heart and hope to die. (Well, actually you crossed your fingers those girls will take it all off.) At the same time, your buddies are also laying the blame on you so that makes all of you even Steven.

* You got so drunk you were barely aware of where you were, which explains the wayward wallet with the business card holder. You slept through the whole show and your buddies helped you get home, Again, better pray to the gods of men that your buddies will cover up for you anytime, big time!

* You were fated to be there that night. If your wife is a big believer in destiny, then maybe it is your destiny to fool her, too. Maybe.

* You just found cover from a brewing storm inside the club. Is there something wrong in keeping your head safe from lightings? Certainly not!

* This is the ultimate. You can tell your wife it is her fault because either she does not cater to your needs anymore or she is not desirable anymore or that she constantly fights with you and you needed to get off steam. You can always pick a fight and divert the issue, right?

However, something bad can be said about leaving something as identifiable as your business card holder in these places. What on God’s earth were you thinking when you brought your business accessories to these places anyway?

You will not be in trouble now and reading this if you divested yourself of business articles before going on monkey business, will you?

You will not be ashamed to carry around high-quality engraved Zippos and a genuine leather money clip from ExecutiveGiftShoppe.com, even when your business card holder gets lost in the most unlikely of places. Find all these and more at ExecutiveGiftShoppe.com today!

Disclaimer: This article in no way seeks to diminish the profession of accountants and to elevate the profession of assassins. This is simply a tongue in cheek analysis of leather briefcases as used by accountants and assassins alike. (Remember, you must love your accountant lest you find yourself in trouble with the Internal Revenue Service and you need to love assassins lest you find yourself in trouble with the Bible’s commandment about loving your enemy. Sad but true)

Professional Disparateness

Though you might think that assassins and accountants do the same thing - they can kill you, only in different means and methods - they are very distinct professions with equally distinct characteristics. Here are just two of them:

* Accountants deal with the paperwork and numbers. They lug around voluminous papers that threaten to drown anybody who dares decipher the codes embedded therein and they eat numbers for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And these same papers are miraculously stuffed into the slimmest of leather briefcases!

Assassins deal with the dirty work and revolvers. They lug around killing tools that can be hidden most conveniently inside their coats or the most elegant leather briefcases and they eat souls like the Devil incarnate. Or at least, that is what Hollywood wants us to believe; God forbid you ever cross path with an assassin out to terminate your existence.

* Accountants use the power of the pen and calculator to kill (okay, make that crunch) numbers. And lest you even dare think that you can actually make sense of financial statements without burning the midnight oil (and a few of your functioning brain cells while you are at it), think again. Accountants use them to confuse both you and the Internal Revenue Service. And these financial statements change as fast as you can count your fingers! Drat, there goes your profit reduced by depreciation yet again.

Assassins use the brute power of car bombs, sniper rifles, blades and other weapons

of destruction, plus a timer here and there, to kill numbers. If you cannot make sense of financial statements, you cannot make sense of the killings either.

Professional Similarities

Now, this is the more interesting part. How can two professions - one killing inanimate numbers, the other killing animate numbers - have similarities? If you think hard enough, you will get these:

* Both accountants and assassins have uncommon affinity for leather briefcases. It seems that leather briefcases serve the purpose of organizing files and ammunitions at the same time! Remember the movie “Wanted”?

* Both accountants and assassins must be licensed. The former by appropriate government agencies before they can practice their profession. On the other hand, assassins must be licensed to kill by anybody they like whether borne of their own demented minds, fanatical beliefs and monetary greed.

* And oh yes, both accountants and assassins can kill you. Accountants kill you by spiriting away your money to bogus corporations while assassins kill you by spiriting your soul, or whatever it is that makes us human.

In conclusion, if you suspect your accountant to be an assassin in disguise ready to make an ass out of you, then leather briefcases full of your financial documents could be on your next target, er, agenda.

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When you become an adult, parents tend to be the hardest people in the world to ask money from. Not only because they probably have no money to spare but also because you are expected to provide for yourself now! The worst part is when you have to listen to lectures about hard work, thriftiness, and responsibility. Like that would be any consolation to your empty stomach and equally empty leather money clip.

Parents are not exactly heartless. In fact, your parents might just be teaching you about adult responsibilities that you refuse to take as you cling to being a Peter Pan. There is nothing wrong with being a Peter Pan as much as there is nothing wrong with Michael Jackson. Or maybe there is? But I digress. Here is how to make your father hide his leather money clip faster than you can whine “Oh, Pleaaasssseee help me, Mother”.

Be the Greatest Liar Who Ever Lived

Never ever tell the truth behind your begging them for money. You can invent good excuses for your real troubles - you are sick when you actually are pregnant and want an abortion fast; you have overran your credit card limit because you bought nice things for your sisters in college when you actually have gambling debts enough to pay the year’s mortgage; or you need to take maintenance medicines for depression and anxiety when you are actually a junkie.

If your parents know the real trouble you are in, you can bet your last dollar on your woefully-slim leather money clip that your request will be rejected. Until such time you tell them the truth, maybe.

Discuss How You Plan to Spend the Money

But discuss it in such a way that your true needs will not be addressed. You can be as imaginative as you want in wasting the money they will be loaning you. If you know they have funds for a Hawaii vacation, tell them that you want to go to Hawaii because the doctor ordered it. (Use the depression and anxiety excuse, if you like)

Not only will you end up with lesser money on your leather money clip (cab fare or gasoline sounds familiar?) but you will also be alienating yourself from your miserly parents. No more “Mom, thanks for the quick loan”.

Just Because I Said So

You have often heard this phrase from your parents when you were younger. You want to wear Goth makeup and they told you no; you ask why, they tell you “Just because I said so!” Well, now is the time to use the very same phrase to have your wish done.

Never ever give your parents time to decide about your request. Never ever put your reasons on paper lest they find an “i” with no dots and a “t” with no slash. If they sense something fishy about your request, there goes the dollars to feed your hungry leather money clip.

It is a Donation, Not a Loan

And the best way to scare off your parents is to tell them you are asking, not borrowing. Be as insensitive as you can be about their needs. You might just find yourself kissing the door while they slam it on your face. Your old bedroom door, of course. Nobody said anything about loving parents actually throwing you out on the streets!

Of course, if you really need the money for valid purposes, you should never ever follow this advice. Otherwise, you really are asking for trouble, not money.

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My husband has been known to have some unconventional behavior at times. Some of it is intentional and some of it is not. I especially remember some of his earlier antics.

Men who grew up with much younger siblings are more naturally at ease with taking care of babies. Larry did not have this advantage. It soon became evident the night our friends, Jim and Sally, came over for dinner with their 6 month old child. Wanting to give my husband some practice time in handling babies, Sally handed over her baby to Larry to hold for a few minutes. He was clearly nervous and uncomfortable and didn’t know what to do. When I announced that dinner was ready, Larry who is always the first in line when it comes to food, eagerly turned to put the baby down on the blanket so he could eat. Although my husband was not kid savvy, he was quite familiar with cats, particularly how they can survive falls from great heights. The fact that he was holding a baby and not a cat did not occur to him. He just didn’t make that connection. Thus, Larry bent down so that he was within approximately a foot or so of the blanket and tossed the baby expecting that this little creature would make a perfect landing. Everyone stood in horror as the baby left his arms and clumsily landed on the blanket. We all stood with mouths wide open and out stretched arms hoping that one of us would be able to cushion the impact. Unfortunately, no one could react in time, but we were all quite relieved that the baby was okay and survived my husband’s na

I am holding a can of peanuts in my hand and reading the label. The front of the can says it contains Roasted Peanuts. I turn the can around and read the ingredients. The main ingredient is Peanuts. I believe we can assume that this is a can of peanuts. But wait a minute, there is another category that says Allergy Information: And guess what it says. Contains Peanuts. Is this ridiculous or what?

I’m sure there are three reasons for the redundancy:

1. We are a nation that is hooked on excessive government regulations.

2. We are a sue-happy nation.

3. Lawyers create the laws and regulations. Who benefits from the above two reasons?—need I say more.

Gee, I wonder why the American people put up with this sorry state of affairs?

Is Logic Logical?

Logical reasoning is in short supply. Just listen to the candidates running for political office. You have to assume that logic and reason have taken a permanent vacation.

Putting Quantum Physics and certain metaphysical principles aside— the laws of Newtonian Mechanics are applicable to most ordinary decisions in everyday life. A=A. This is irrefutable.

If you purchased a bag of apples at your local grocery store, arrived home and discovered that your bag of apples were oranges you would exist in a state of uncertainty—your life would be chaotic. Or if you were driving, came to an intersection with a stop light and green wasn’t really green—in fact green is often red—you probably wouldn’t reach your destination.

You prepare your morning pot of coffee—pour a cup—take a sip and swallow. Suddenly you are gagging, choking and coughing. Your cup of coffee is actually a cup of bleach. Your everyday existence would obviously be in question. Long-term survival would be almost impossible.

Modern Philosophy

I discovered that some of the philosophy courses in a number of modern universities teach that everything is indeterminate. A doesn’t necessarily equal A. A might be B or possibly C. In fact it might not exist at all. “A” is an illusion.

I’m sure you are comforted by the fact that the thick, juicy steak you’re cooking on the grill might not be steak at all. You just think it is steak. It might be something else—possibly an old shoe. Even worse, you are suffering under an illusion that you are actually cooking something. There is neither a grill nor anything cooking on it.

Conclusion

It is obvious why a can of peanuts has to be labeled peanuts—has to list the main ingredients as peanuts—and must warn you that this can of peanuts contains peanuts. If A doesn’t equal A, it is evident that listing the main ingredient in a can of peanuts as peanuts means it might not be peanuts. So to make sure that the consumer knows this is a can of peanuts there has to be an additional warning that states this can of peanuts contains peanuts.

I am confused about one thing though. If A doesn’t equal A, how can we be sure the allergy warning is actually correct—when it states that this can of peanuts which has as its main ingredient peanuts, contains peanuts? Maybe it actually contains dried prunes, or apricots, possibly lizard tails, toenail clippings, worms————.

Isn’t modern philosophy wonderful? It must be. Our candidates for office take advantage of it when they are making promises. The voters seem to believe in it. And of course, our political institutions are run on its “tenets.”

Still—why do the American people put up with it? Maybe they believe that “A” is anything they want it to be. You know this is enlightening. You can have your cake and eat it too. That is, of course, if it is cake we are eating.

At The Ballgame

“Take me out to the ballgame. Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.” What an afternoon to watch a ballgame! There’s the vendor. Peanuts, peanuts, get your peanuts. Hey, throw me a bag of those peanuts. I can’t wait to open the bag up and start crunching on em’. Wait a minute. Hey, you come back. These aren’t peanuts. These are nails. What’s going on here? I want some peanuts.

Robert A. Meyer has been investigating and studying economics, philosophy, psychology and metaphysics for 30 years. He realizes there are basic principles of Human Action that will help you become successful. His knowledge that life is to be lived on a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level allowed him to discover “The Libertarian Way.” He experiences its many pleasures and ecstasies on a daily basis. http://libertarianway.com/

A life insurance broker named Steve was always the top salesman for his company. In fact, he just completed his 8th straight year as the number 1 insurance agent when he decided it was time to hang ‘em up and retire.

His best friend and partner James took him out for a drink one last time – on company time, of course. James asked, “Steve, you’re the best life insurance agent I’ve ever seen. For the past 8 years, you’ve been outselling everyone. And every time I ask how you do it, you never tell me. Now that you are retiring, let me in on your secret. How do you sell so many life insurance plans?”

Steve thought for a moment. “You know what, James, you’re right. I do have a secret to selling life insurance. I’ve kept it to myself for all these years. But now that I am retiring, I can’t think of a better person to keep it alive than you. So, I will tell you how I do it.”

James started to get more excited as the thought of having this wonderful knowledge coursed through his mind. He could hardly contain himself.

“Tell me, Steve. What is it? I’m dying to know.”

Steve took a sip from his drink and leaned back on his chair, scanning his surroundings to ensure that this top-secret data would not fall into enemy hands. He then leaned forward and began to speak.

“James, when you first start, you have to tell them about all the features and the benefits of the plan. Make sure you tell him – and always him – that it is his duty as the man of the house to protect his family. Doing otherwise would be considered a failure as a husband and as a father.”

James seemed unimpressed. “Everyone does that, Steve. You know that. That isn’t very insightful.”

Steve did not seem concerned with James’ protest. “Easy, relax. Just listen to me, and it will all become clear.” Steve took another sip while James sat both anxious and nervous.

“Now,” Steve continued, “during every presentation, I always suddenly stop my pitch and ask the client if he is feeling OK. Inevitably, he will always answer ‘yes’ to that question. When he does, I look at him in a strange way. And every so often, I will ask if there is anything I can do for him. Maybe get him a glass of water or if he wants a moment to himself.”

“Interesting approach” replied James. “How effective is it?”

Steve looked around and then looked James square in the eye. “To be honest, it rarely works. But, it’s the next step which always hooks them.”

James could no longer take it. “Steve, please tell me!”

Steve smiled. “I always say: ‘Please don’t let me scare you into making a rushed choice. Sleep on it tonight. IF you should wake up in the morning, please give me a call and let me know. I’ll by DYING to hear from you.”

James Lister knows life insurance & how it helps families. Get the best whole life insurance & term life insurance information today. And if you live in Canada, check out how life insurance Canada can help protect you and your family.

As I reported in my previous article, ‘World’s Top 10 Silly Lorry Stories’, lorries and lorry drivers seem to have a habit of being involved in some of the world’s quirkiest news stories. Well, with a little delving, I’ve discovered many more ridiculous lorry stories. Here is my second top 10!

Chicken run

A lorry driver made a 100-mile trip with a live chicken under his bonnet. The truck driver only heard the hen clucking when he arrived at an Asda depot near Chepstow, Monmouthshire. Transport clerk Alex Viljoen said: ‘The lorry driver was afraid to pick the bird up. She was a bit warm and there was oil on her feathers, but she seemed quite happy.’ The chicken was taken to vet Caroline Marlow and given a clean bill of health - then laid an egg. Caroline said: ‘We think she was copying Chicken Run and trying to escape.’

False alert

A German lorry driver caused a crash on a busy autobahn after biting into an apple and swallowing his false teeth. Peter Seiler, 57, was driving on the A3 motorway near Wuerzburg when he decided to tuck into the apple. But he chocked on a piece of the apple and as he coughed he ended up swallowing his false teeth. As he struggled for air he lost control and crashed his haulage vehicle into another car. No one was hurt in the incident.

Bow-wowing 747

A retired lorry driver and his wife halted a packed jet just before take-off - after seeing their dog bounding alongside on the runway. Terry and Susan Smith, both 58, were set to fly to a new life in Lanzarote when they spotted spaniel Poppy, who is believed to have chewed her way out of her crate as the plane was about to taxi to the runway. Terry said: ‘we were in our seats ready for take-off when we suddenly saw Poppy on the runway. I was really worried about her.’ Pet transport firm Animal Airlines said it was the first time a dog had escaped in their 40 years of business.

Strange signs

Road signs in Polish have been put up in Cheshire to stop Polish-speaking lorry drivers getting confused. One sign reads ‘Do A 49 Whitchurch skrec w nastepna droge w prawo’ which means ‘For A49 to Whitchurch turn right at next junction’. The council said there was a significant Polish population in the Crewe area, thought to be about 3,000, and a number made their living as commercial truck drivers. Cheshire County Council’s county engineer, Steve Kent, said: ‘Polish people are part of the community and we need to cater for their needs.’

Snake break

A lorry driver who stopped for a toilet break in a lay-by got a shock when he discovered he was being watched by an 8ft python. The snake weaved its way toward his feet as he stopped his haulage vehicle for the break on the A59, near York. He called police who alerted RSPCA staff, reports the York Press. Animal collection officer Helen Martindale said: ‘The lorry driver said he got the shock of his life when he saw it crawling out of the bushes.’ The snake was put in a box and taken to a sanctuary in Knaresborough.

Haunted house

A former long-distance lorry driver is preparing to sue the previous owners of their house for not telling them it was haunted. Gaetano Bastianelli, 57, and his wife Stefania bought the home in the Umbrian town of Spoleto in 2005. ‘The ghosts started their haunting on the first night,’ said Mr Bastianelli. He claimed that malevolent spirits had left ‘luminous green mould all over the walls’, and that the lawnmower and his wife’s car had spontaneously combusted. A local historian, Sergio Grifoni, confirmed that an exorcism had been performed on a girl in the house in 1977.

Lorry driver lockout

A lorry driver got home to find himself locked out and his clothes dumped in the street - after a bank repossessed the wrong house. Robin Naylor, 57, said: ‘I tried to open the door and found the locks had been changed.’ Mr Booth finally got to the bottom of the mystery when he discovered that bailiffs had been sent to the wrong address by Halifax Bank after ‘an administrative error’. Angry Robin said: ‘I can’t believe how they can get it wrong with something so important.’ The Halifax said: ‘we are very sorry. It was a human error.’

Look - no hands!

Police who pulled up an overloaded haulage vehicle in China were amazed to find the lorry driver had no hands. The lorry was stopped for carrying five times its permitted load of six tonnes. ‘When we came to the cab window, we were surprised to see the driver was handless,’ said a Jimo city traffic police spokesman. The driver, Zhang, was handling the unadapted lorry with the stumps on his wrists - and didn’t even have a driving licence. Police gave Zhang, whose hands were blown off by firecrackers when he was 12, a £15 ticket and he promised never to drive again.

Helmet-head

A Chinese truck driver whose vehicle was wrecked in a smash bought a crash helmet and carried on his journey. Officers could not believe their eyes when they saw the driver wearing his crash helmet in the crushed shell of his cab. A police spokesman said: ‘We signalled the driver to stop immediately, and he told us he had to continue, since he was under contract and had a very tight schedule.’ The driver, Mr Zhao, of Wuhan city, told them he had an accident delivering vegetables to Hunan province. ‘I found the truck was still functional, so I bought myself a helmet and continued,’ he said. Police forced Zhao to get the truck fixed before driving it again.

The one about the 55 anteaters

Police in Thailand have arrested a man on suspicion of trying to smuggle 55 anteaters out of the country in a lorry. The man claimed he had been employed to deliver the anteaters, a protected species in Thailand, to Nong Khai province where a smuggler planned to take them across the border to Laos, The Bangkok Post reports. He told police the animals would have continued their journey to China, where they would eventually have been killed and eaten.

Lyall Cresswell is the Managing Director for the Transport Exchange Group. Haulage Exchange, their freight exchange for the 7.5 tonne and above market, offers an independent environment for its members to swap haulage loads.